when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
