I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
false alarm, still single
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