for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i now understand why vodka
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
