Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
