Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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