This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
