i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found puke in my bra..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
