I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
