thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
