I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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