Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
