he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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