Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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