Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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