It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize