i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
