Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
