I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
