I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
