um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
