Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I only lived at night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
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