Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
