I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
