1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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