addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
