Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
