when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
