just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
