I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
