I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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