Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
