Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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