so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You are a genius and a whore.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
