i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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