Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
