No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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