One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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