genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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