Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
