i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's just like the Real World with babies
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
