I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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