Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
