I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dicks are not precious.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
