You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
