True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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