to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
