I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
