Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just found puke in my bra..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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