I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
