Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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