She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
