On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
