Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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