My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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