Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
